The day I cried on the sidewalk at 5 AM

I just wrote a long, whiny post and wordpress ate it when I pressed “Publish”. Thanks for looking out for me! Hopefully this one will be less pathetic.

Anyway, I ran 32 miles last week- pain free! I didn’t do much running over the weekend because I was in Tahoe, and kept pretty busy drinking, paddleboarding, hiking, and getting sunburned. At some point I put my sunscreen-covered hands on my hips apparently, because I have sweet tan lines (okay, burn lines) that my hands fit perfectly into.

Last week I also saw my PT, who thought my progress was awesome and told me I could definitely run CIM. After seeing that over 7,500 of the 8,000 marathon spots were filled, this happened:

I was feeling confident, and told my husband I was going to “kick CIM’s ass!”.

Last night our run club’s speedwork was cancelled because of the heat and the terrible air quality. I still wanted to get the workout in, so I went to the gym to use a treadmill. About halfway through, my knee started to feel weird, but not in the ITBS fashion I’m used to. Assuming it was NBD and just leftover from my Tahoe fun, I cut the run short just to be safe.

If you read the title of this post, I’m guessing you know where I’m going with this. This morning had all the makings of a great run: cool weather, I was super-alert for it being pre-5 AM, and I was excited. Unfortunately, that excitement was gone before I even hit 2 miles.

I really did sit down on the curb and cry for awhile. Eventually I dragged my pathetic ass home, where I called my husband (who is out of town) and cried some more. On my way to work (late, of course, from all the crying), I continued to cry.

Dealing with my injury has been really tough, but this is the first time I’ve been seriously reduced to tears. I feel defeated. And to be totally honest, I’m not just feeling defeated by my injury, but also by my job, my body in general, etc. Not running just makes all the other bullshit so much harder to deal with.

Maybe I’m just experiencing a minor setback, or maybe I won’t be running much for the next couple of months. Maybe I’m just hormonal and that’s why I’m a mess today. Whatever. I just hope I don’t cry at work…



3 thoughts on “The day I cried on the sidewalk at 5 AM

  1. Oh Mary, I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time battling the injuries lately. So I’ll tell you something about myself that you may or may not be able to relate to. I have learned that I always need a THING in my life, something that I sort of throw all my energy into. That THING usually serves as the “successful” part of my life.

    So when I was feeling like my career really wasn’t anywhere close to where I wanted it to be I got really into running and getting into shape. It wasn’t always running, and I wouldn’t even say it’s running for me now. But there’s always someTHING.

    Anyway, if all of a sudden I couldn’t do my THING I think it would feel like everything in my life was crashing down on me. I think it would feel like I had NOTHING going for me, sort of like I was nothing.

    I don’t know if this is at all how you feel. I don’t want to project my own issues on someone else. But if it does sort of ring true (or even if it doesn’t really) let me just say that it’s okay to be really emotional about the way your injuries are interfering with your running. And let me also say that whatever running setbacks come your way, it doesn’t change who you are. Thinking of you.

    • You leave the best comments.

      I’m definitely guilty of having running be my “thing” and, for the most part, it’s beneficial. It gives me something to focus on, I can set tangible, numbers-based goals, etc. But I really do feel a little lost now that I’m injured, even though there are a ton of other aspects of my life that I can (and should) focus more on. Or… maybe I just need to relax.

      • Thanks Mary! Just trying to say what I would want someone to say to me. And I don’t think you “should” or “need” to do anything. It’s okay to feel a little lost. In any event, I hope you’re able to get back out there soon!

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